Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
