You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
