You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
