Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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