I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
don't judge my taste in strippers
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
