i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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