he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it was like eating out sand paper
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
