I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
