Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
