Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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