My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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