Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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