You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
