yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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