my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
