Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
