made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize