Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
