i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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