Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
