Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
