he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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