Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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