had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
