Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
