just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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