Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize