im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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