Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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