You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
