I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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