she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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