Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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