ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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