i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize