my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize