I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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