just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize