Need sex. Gaining weight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
third nipple confirmed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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