If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
