I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
