hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
