Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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