Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize