My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
