My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize