Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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