watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
