The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
