Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
