If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Even my vagina gasped.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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