I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
