Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
