i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
