When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
