Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
