there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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