After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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