"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
